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I lay in bed with my arm holding my first born close. I can feel her heart beat and chest rising with every breath. The sound of the air filling her lungs has never been sweeter. I needed this moment tonight. God, I thank you for my 2 wonderful children. I am grieving my third with tears and questions, but ultimately know that You are my strength and my song.
Just 24 hours ago I was googling “When do you feel your baby kick in 3rd pregnancy” and now I’m clearing out my google search from this morning “spotting in pregnancy” with a pit in my stomach that doesn’t end.
I feel like there were moments today that I was lucid and very matter of fact. Other moments I honestly feel like I blacked out. Numb. In the midst of mourning the loss of my unborn baby I get a text or Instagram message of someone saying they’re praying.
I cannot explain how amazing that is. I always assumed that if this happened to me that I would want it to be private and not let anyone know. Now that I’m in the midst of it, I appreciate need the prayers.
All I want is for this to be over. Now it’s just waiting for my body to go back to “normal”.
Questions fill my heart….
How long do I have to wear pregnancy clothes? My normal clothes don’t fit and maternity clothes hug my empty womb and make my belly look so cute. I’m afraid to go in public and have someone ask me how far along I am.
How long will this ache be in my heart?
How do we know that God wants us to have more children? I just got the wind knocked out of my already exhausted soul. I don’t know if I could handle it again. (& then I hear God whisper - you cannot handle it. I can. I will. Just trust me.)
What do I do with the newborn clothes I just got at the garage sale? Where do I put them so I don’t run across them every day?
I know this happens to a lot of women. (Just to let you know, that’s never a way to encourage someone going through this….those words are toxic.) I’ve just never experienced this. I am asking WHY and trying to grieve yet focus on the joy I have in my life. I like to control things and I don’t want to control this grieving process. I want God to do it. I want God’s hand on my heart healing me. God’s encouragement through prayer, His Word and others balm to my aching heart.
The LORD is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit. ~ Psalm 34:18
Now I am thinking of all of my friends who have been through this that I could’ve reached out to more. I cannot look back in regret, but can only move forward trying to be open so others may be encouraged. I cannot let this experience rot me from the inside. I need to allow God to shine through and make something beautiful.
What ugly thing have you had to give to God to heal or make beautiful?
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I'm Virginia & so glad you're here! You'll find me writing about my not-so-perfect journey with my faith, family, life and home. Stick around, comment and join the conversations.
I love meeting new friends!
I haven’t been in your shoes, but my heart is hurting for you. I don’t know what to say, but I am praying for you. Do what you need to do. Grieve how you need to grieve. Don’t hurry the process based on other’s thoughts or words. I love you, Sister!
Thank you so much for your kind words and prayers!
Oh Virginia I am so so sorry. I don’t know what you’re going through but I still feel for you and my thoughts and prayers are with you.
Thank you Andrea! Can’t wait to see pics of your little one soon =)
Wow Virginia… You just bared your heart to us and that is so courageous and inspiring! I have no idea what to say but I do know that the words that you poured out on to this page have touched my heart and will continue to touch others hearts who read this in the future. We never know what Gods plan is or how He plans to use us but these posts seem to be of a dual purpose of healing your heart as well as healing those who read them. I am praying for you and your family. God bless…. Steph Richards
Thank you for the sweet words of encouragement Steph!
Praying.
Oh goodness. Virginia. So tender heart.
precious girl - your heart is beautiful. thank you for letting the love of Jesus shine through the midst of your pain.
and HE WILL carry you through this in the grip of His loving, mighty arms. keep on shining for Jesus - even if you don’t know that you are. you are so RICHLY LOVED by Him.
p.s. your ring is on the way to you, little mama!
You are so sweet! I’m so excited to see the special ring! Thank you so much!
Oh V, I’ve been through this ugly pain and I’m so sorry you are going through it but you have shared what it means to surrender grief to the Lord and to let Him carry you through. I wish I was near and could throw a big hug around you. Praying for you and loving on you from afar.
Thanks for the hugs and prayers from afar friend!
I’m pretty sure there hasn’t been a day in a few weeks that you haven’t been on my heart. Still weeping for you. Just weeping. I’m so sorry, love.
Like Jessi, I think about you so often. Praying God’s peace in and around you. Looking forward to hugging you in October.
I really needed to read this post today and I thank God for leading me here. I lost a baby a month ago and it is encouraging to read a bit of your story. {1} To see that I’m not alone in this. {2} To see that yes, you are grieving, but still seeking for God’s light and truth.
God has a plan and though we may not see what it is [[especially in times like this]] that doesn’t mean that He doesn’t have our best in mind.
Thank you so much for opening up and sharing your story.
Praying for you and your family.
Jessi, I am so sorry for your loss! If you every want to email me you can at geekyandsassy(at)gmail(dot)com so everyone can’t see our responses back and forth on this post. I will pray for you.