The first time I felt guilty was in my labor and delivery room.
I pushed for what felt like 2 weeks, but in actuality was only two hours. The nurse would assure me that she knew from the first time she examined me my pelvis was too small to deliver. Great. Now I feel guilty because my pelvis is too small. I gave it an honest go, but we were rushed to an emergency c-section.
The second time I felt guilty was in the operating room.
The c-section wasn’t really an option for me. I rationalized that I wouldn’t be the one of four that has one. I intentionally did not read the c-section chapter in all the childbirth books. But, there I was lying as flat as an ironing board making jokes to the surgery nurse that my anesthesiologist was totally McDreamy. As I lay there I thought, ok, this could still be special. Even though I won’t be the first to hold her. I remember hearing somewhere when a child is born, the first few minutes are so important for the child to bond with its mother. I hoped I would get to do that. However, I was experiencing a tremendous amount of pain as my epidural began to wear off. I remember yelling at the doctors, “please stop for just a moment.” That must have given them a good chuckle as they were in a sort of time-sensitive matter. The anesthesiologist kept asking if I wanted to be put under, but all I could think was “are you crazy?” I don’t want to miss seeing her for anything.
“Remember Sarah, she’s just on loan to us.”
Something about that freed me. I remember when I first found out that I was pregnant. Stick after stick reminding me “you can’t get pregnant”, and then the glorious dollar store stick proclaiming me that I CAN. Well, I immediately thought of the story of Hannah in the Bible (1 Samuel 1). She wanted a child so badly and when the Lord finally gave her a son, she gave him right back to the Lord. At that moment, I got down on my pregnant knees and gave that fetus right back to Him. I told Him that I was so grateful to have this opportunity and knew that this baby had been entrusted to me. As I think back on the times I felt guilty, I wasn’t living like I had given the Lord my daughter.
My doctor recently told me that I tested positive for an infection. An infection that I had tested negative for while I was pregnant but should have tested positive for. If I had insisted to keep trying to have a natural birth, my daughter would have caught this infection and possibly would have died. My doctor also went on to tell me that she didn’t even know how I carried her full term with my progesterone level the way it was. She said to me something I’ll never forget.
“Do you realize this baby is a miracle?”
So, it was silly of me to be guilty of a small pelvis and a c-section. God was protecting my baby and me. God gives grace to those that feel guilty. He’s not the one bringing the guilt.
After all, aren’t we all walking miracles? From now on I’m thinking of myself as…
I love this text I received from a friend:
“You only have to be a good parent, not a great one, to have great kids.”
Hang on to the One who has immense purpose in every thing we walk through. Even when we don’t listen, He still hears us. Even when we are faithless, He remains faithful. Even when we are sad, joy comes in the morning. From one recovering Guilty Mommy to another.